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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.